IM CONFOOZED

well, another climatic scene to end a dramatic episode in tgb

itz saddenin to say that nothin endz happily in thiz drama

location:rollcall-dataran cendekiawan

the last day before we were all to head back to our own dens (if we were chickenz ocorz), a few gurlz were caught for not attendin rollcall..

yes, they were wrong..guilty az charged..

but their sentence waz no wher near relevant

the murmuring crowd waz silenced az it happend

my iris shrank due shock az i stared at the stage of dataran cendekiawan

i cudnt believe wut i jez saw..nor did the rest of the audience

we all jez stood ther..dumbfounded..

did that old stinkbag really do wut we saw him do..infront of the WHOLE SCHOOL

im no good friend to those gurlz..but im no enemy to them either

i used to question their actions..y did they do this, do that

but even so, they didnt deserve wut that old stinkbag did to them

i forced back the tears on the ridges of my eyes.

it waz barbaric..n it waz also a few hourz away from the tym we wud all head home

waz it necessary? first he did it to a boy a few dayz back..n now a handful of gurlz?

i applaud him for hiz sheer cheek.how brave of him.

i stil wonder y no action haz been taken against him

i half-expectd the terminator himself to come ram him to the ground n shred him to pieces..but it didnt happen

back to reality..the silence soon transformd to quiet murmurz..

we realise now..therz nuthin we cud actually do to stop the dictator

the old headlady, standz there n actz az if nuthin happend..

hooray for her uselessness

so to finalise this summary of the latest episode in tgb, 

for tgbians, i believe that we are all alone

no one can help us

how do we help ourselves?

get that straight a’z n smack our resultz in their faces

Panjang nih..huhuhu..klau nak bace, bace la..

i am soo sick n tired of thoz moronz who call themselvz adultz..they are so full of themselvez that they fail to see reality in its true colours..

if they can swear lyk itz no onez business during nyt rollcoll..then im proud to say that az a student who truly takez them az a major example,i can too!!

fish, fcuk, syot, syel, khinzir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A joke spread that students go back home for their mothers to discover the high frequency of them swearing afte enrolling in tgb. questioning them on how iz it they become prone to swear and who actually taught them to do so, students answer back, “ustaz ma..” =p

to think that they are ustatz..yea ryt..i currently hav no respect for any of them..they all disgust me up to a level wher i see no point in eva takin them seriously..suruh org jgn buat dosa..but wut r they doing? lg banyak dosa ok..they fitnah ppl, swear, punish innocent..yes..INNOCENT studentz without true relevance..iz that wut they call justice?

I understand, they hold on to one prinsip.

SORANG BUAT SALAH, SEMORANG KENE..

U noe wut I think..GO TO HELL WITH THAT PRINSIP..

Listen, warden x reti ke fikir betul2??prinsip tu hanya boleh digunakan if and only IF a crime haz been committed but wardenz cant find the culprit and mmg xde org yg nak admit to it..

The problem here iz that they apply that prinsip even though they already noe who the culprit is and even after the culprit dah mengaku..and yet, they still punish the whole batch wher ¾ of them are actually quite clueless on wut even happened..dah tau siape yg buat, punish thoz idiotz laa..ape kaitan with the rest of us??

let me ask u..iz that fair?? Ni question for wardenz yang bergelar ustaz la..

iz it fair to punish innocent ppl??

iz it fair to trouble other ppl for wut sum1 else did??

Iz it fair to herdik, hina n swear to ppl who didn’t do anything wrong??

Iz it fair to menggugat the studentz future by making them unfocus on studies..

IZ IT FAIR????

Cube cabut skjap kopiah korang tu and get it through ur friggin thick headz that NO, IT IZ NOT FAIR IN ANY WAY..AND IT WILL NEVER BE FAIR SO STOP!!!!

Based on wut u guyz actually preach n teach in PAI class, unfairness iz melakukan kezaliman..kerana let me quote wut u guyz always say, “meletak sesuatu bukan pada haqnya adalah berlaku zalim, maka BERDOSALAH KAMU”..wardenz, u guyz said it, u guyz taught it, u guyz preached it..so thiz iz my advice, try to practise it will ya..

iv had it with the whole lot of them..one highlight wud of corz be the nyt prep..

wher iz the rational in that if u hav to study in the ds accomponied by

utter HEAT,

400 other friggin non-stop-talkin STUDENTS barely 20cm apart from each other

which of corz leadz to sheer NOISE,

friendly hygienically clean undisturbing flies,

extremely ‘clean’ dining tables..totally..mmg tak melekit langsung,

2 sets of television..(one instance-makcik ds watches ugly betty..yea, of corz the students dapat concentrate gile2 on hw n revision..seriously..),

and distress in all the lil heartz of tgb studentz..

hmm..i get the point dear wardenz..

u want to prevent maksiat ryt..kesian korang..mesti stress gile x dapat tidur thinking bout the maksiat yang berleluasa sejak kebelakangan ini..tsk tsk..

WUTEVA..az if it actually workz..lg byk maksiat ok..y?cuz studentz lg tercabar to do so and lg senang ok..

wut i basically believe n observe, all theze probz happen ever since u guyz ketatkan lg the skool rulez..initially, our batch iz 100 tymz better n obedient berbanding last yearz batch..mentang2 wardenz didnt dare kacau last yearz batch doeznt mean that u can bully thiz batch, ok~

wardenz buat camni lgilah studentz feel lyk rebelling

f.y.i- since all these stupid rulez hav been implemented, i lagi refuse nak follow even the simplest rulez..gues wut, I ponteng ishak for the 1^st tym thiz year..i ponteng prep at ds..yes, I stayed in block n chatted ok..so wut? u wana ryt my name and make me ryt a letter of apology to my parentz? ryt la..my parentz don’t care ok..they hate wardenz too..ikutkan hati diorang, dah lame nak bring havoc to the administration..i je yg x bagi cuz I thot the wardenz actually berniat baik..i guez I thot wrong..

nwayz, wut im trying to prove here iz not the fact that I hav changed into a rebellious student (althou that iz a bit true la hahah), im tryin to say that wardenz r destroyin the clear heartz of studentz..theyr blackenin these clear heartz with hatred, dissatisfaction and so on..shame on you wardenz..

I will not allow the wardenz do thiz to the studentz..we want to study..not live mengikut nafsu korang je..menyesal masuk tgb..in tigs, peraturan ade..x pnah pun diketatkan..so studentz x terasa pun nak langgar..hidup pun aman..they giv uz the best alternativez to study..not giv uz a dumpsite lyk shit ok..

Itz ok if u want to find a way to fix these problemz..but fikirla betul2 the pros n conz.even though u guyz r grown up, it doznt mean all ur decisionz r correct n full proof. Siapa guru, siapa studentz?? Teacherz always ask students thiz question.. well, with the way these respected teachers are acting, Im askin u the same question..siapa guru, siapa studentz??

OK..DEBATE MODE!!

This House Would implement prep hours at DS for the betterment of TGB students

Dearest blog readers, I as the opposition leader totally and utterly disagrees with the motion we are debating today and I will do anything in my power to prove to you why this motion should not and will not stand.

Divided prep IN ACADEMIC BLOCK- the current status quo has already been accepted by majority of students although one or two refuse to follow(so deal with the “one or two students”not the whole batch dear wardenz). But basically, this method was still at a reasonable level as it was still possible for students to put 100% concentration on studies. Books in class were still attainable and peace was maintained.

Ryt now, wardens hav an alternative..but izit better than the status quo? Wut the wardenz havnt proved here iz the feasibility of the alternative they hav come up with which iz prepping at the ds for one type of gender while the other preps in the comfortable classes on a root basis that it will prevent maksiat

Clearly that alternative iz in no way carrying out itz function az a prevention tool. Discipline levels in students are currently decreasing and it is feared that the graph will continue to drop or extrapolated to a point even you fear to imagine. Disciplinary problems are consequently increasing clearly after the irrational rules of the wardens have been implemented. What the wardenz have created on the other hand is sheer chaos amongst students. Restlessness. Rebellion.

What more, studies are affected. Is it possible for students to study in an unconducive environment. Undenied, it is possible for some but survey shows that 95% of tgb students cannot study in such condition and therefore, the wardenz stand which iz prepping in ds az an alternative iz positively beneficial for their dearest students of tgb FALLS AND WILL NOT STAND.

Their new alternative is only bringing pain to students. They are wasting their time and also the precious and little time the students have. Spm is nearing. You think we have time to layan your whims and fancies?

Dear readers, you do the math..this is wut I feel..i don’t noe bout u guyz..

This in no way is an act of me encouraging everyone to insult or be disrespectful to dearest wardens (unless u really feel lyk it) or elders. Please do not try this at home..i myt get into trouble for ryting this..or I myt not..

That dependz on u guyz..mayb therd b sum1 who readz thiz and showz thiz to the warden..well, at least that proves whoz side ur on. But itz ok..thiz iz wut I believe az the FREEDOM OF SPEECH..unless therez not much freedom in the freedom of speech..im merely pointing out my dissatisfaction and ur merely reading it..so letz keep it that way ok? =p hahah

i feel so fcuked up being in thiz stupid so-called “college”. theyv actually blurred their mindz believing that thiz iz somhow an ‘elite’ skool for ‘brilliant’ studentz.

itz ran by a bunch of moronz, thatz wut i think.urgh! studying the subz ther alone iz alredy stressful n then thoz silly moronz wana add it with their pathetic-unreasonable-unsuprisinglystupid-rulez..

let me list some of the major idiotic rulez.

no clothez can b dried or hanged on the clothes rack aka the ampaian

can i jez ask one simple question…

WHAT IZ THE FRIGGING CLOTHEZ RACK FRIGGING FOR?!?!?!?!?

an additional decor to the alredy shabby dorm???

their justification? ~ if u dry ur clothez on the clothez rack, then the clothez will fall down. so, u can only dry ur towelz there.

can i jez point out that therz a principle called GRAVITY! helloooo peeoooppllleeee, isaac newton discovered it a long tym ago.wake up n smell the smelly undried clothez!

duuh, of corz lah sum clothez wud fall..it happenz. towelz can fall too..LOSERZ.

but may i jez point out that hanging CLOTHES on the CLOTHES rack iz actually the basic function of a friggin CLOTHES rack in case thoz moronz didnt noe.

wutz the use of that extremly long clothez rack if not to dry clothez?? 2 towelz from evry form 5 studentz combined with 2 towelz from evry form 4 studentz wud simply cover only 50% of the clothez rack..

so, u do the math. not only do we waste the space initially provided for us to hang clothez but we also waste tym n energy to dry our clothez outside the dorm building. sheesh idiotz idiotz idiotz!

n then therz another ridiculous rule. studentz r not allowed to wear tudung with ‘renda’. wut, the female wardenz r scared that our tudungz r prettier than theirz???sheesh.itz jez renda. they wont bite or outshine u..duuh..

well, thatz only two of the many ridiculous rulez that happen to b implemented in thiz fabulous skool of mine. so imagine lyf in thiz hell hole.

in the beginnin, i didnt mind following all the rulez.i actually felt it waz right to try b a gud gurl n follow all their rulez but tym after tym it began to sound silly n stupid

sorry to write all this but im jez voicing out my dissatisfaction az a student. iznt ther sumthin called freedom of speech?

it iz clear how the environment of a skool can change onez character.

itz hard to smile sincerely nymor.

itz hard to feel the enjoyment of studying nymor.

itz hard to hav fun in activitiez i do nymor.

itz hard to feel the warmth of frenz nymor. 

the fire that haz been flaming on and on all the yearz iv studied in TIGS iz quickly dimming..i fear the moment it stopz.

i feel no hope in TGB.

having no hope tirez me.

HOW TO ASK YOUR

BOSSFOR A

SALARY INCREASE..?

One day an employee sends

a letter to his boss

asking for an

increase in his

salary !!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$life, we all need$ome thing

mo$t de$ perately. I think you

$hould be under$tanding the

need$ of u$. We are

worker$ who have given $o

much$upport including $weat

and $ervice to your company..

I am$ure you will gue$$ what

I meant and re$ pond $oon .

Your$ $incerely,

Ajay Kumar.

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear Ajay,

I kNOw you have been

working very hard. NOw

a days, NOthing much

has changed. You must

have NOticed that our

company is NOt doing

NOticably well . NOw

the newspapers are

saying the world’s leading

ecoNOmists are NOt

sure if the United States

may go into aNOther

recession. After the

NOvember presidential

elections things may turn

bad . I have NOthing

more to add NOw.

You kNOw what I mean .

i hate thiz place

I HATE THIZ PLACE!!!!

seriously..ppl r jez..ARRGGHHH!!!!!

hate it here

HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!!

hate everyone here

EVERYONE! every single pressurizing idiot..

-hateful-

…..

……….

…………..

……………….

…………..

……….

…..

ma bri’ish midget..mwahahaha…yea, she iz kinda a midget

but that makez me a dwarf then…well..luv her song anyhow

Yeah,
It’s officially the biggest midget in the game.
I dunno.
Make way for the S.O.V.

Love me or hate me
Love me or hate me
Love me or hate me
I can only do one thing,
And that’s be Lady Sovereign!

!The Fray
Over My Head
Free Music Codes Provided By SomeCodes.com

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that’s how it’s got to be
It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy
I’d rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Let’s rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that’s disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I’m becoming the part that don’t last
I’m losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won’t let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows
She’s on your mind
Everyone knows I’m in over my head
I’m in over my head
I’m in over…

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

I LOST MA HANDPHONE..=’(

NOW IT IZ NOMORE

well..the holz were okay laa..

somtimz fun..somtimz boring..

hmm..where to begin..

first i went holidayin at ma fav spot

which iz also my old hometown..PORT DICKSON

finally met ma x-neighbourz again..

hmm..really had a great tym there

went to the beach..but didnt get a chance to hav a dip

i hav ma own reasonz..haha..

hmm, loadz more i guez..but malas to ryt down

n aftewardz iz all a blur

rushing to siapkan all the hw..

urgh..heapz n heapz of em..

x suke!!!hav to do it anyway..haha

but still lom siap..y? cuz im lazy..haha

cane nih..nex year pmr n im still ma old self..

nwayz..cant really remember wut i did during thoze weekz

but az alwayz..im alwayz followin mum n dad here n there

most of the tym to mlake laa

so boring..dahlaa mat2 mlaka all so bad..ee..

so afte the hectic dayz rushing here n there

finally we balik..home sweet home

then i got a phone call..a get together!!!

fatin balik bp..so long since we met..*padahal raya baru jumpe* haha

so, tasya called n told me to balik kampung to hang out

so i did ma magic n successfully persuaded ayah to allow me to sleep at kampung..

f.y.i-without momz permission..haha..she waz in melaka tat tym

guez wut i did there..wahahahaha

i learnt how to ride the MOTORCYCLE..hahahahaha

nope..not bicycle..but the motorcycle..

in all ma lyf..i neva thought i wud learn ridin it at the age of 14

since i dont really fancy breakin the law

well, im not good at it..but i can laa..so-so j..

but i hav trouble with making corners n makin a u-turn..

haha..i can go straight thou..wahahaha..truk giler

but that waz one of the happiest thingz i did thiz holz

ma cuzen waz nice enuf to teach me..

ma cuzen sat behind me n told me wut to press n everything la..

well, i waz tryin to make a corner ma first tym

n..well, it didnt go that well..haha..

i accidentally pressed the..err..wut do u call it..

the handle or summat..i dunno..

well, i twisted it to much

n u noe wut happenz wen u do that..

well, to cut the story short..

we NEARLY..we didnt..but NEARLY langgar kereta abg afat

but b4 it cud happen..i came to ma senses n press the brake..

wahaha..dunno y but afte that me n ma cuz went histerical

we jez cudnt stop laughin..hahahaha..lucky x langgar

habis kena saman kang..hehe..

to tell u the truth..im a lousy biker..

i tried a few timz..n..well, i suck in it..

but at least i can actually say..i CAN ride a bike..

hahahaha..the end..

hehe..malas to ryt panjang2

gettin sleepy..so nyt nyt

on thiz very day..13 of September 2006..my baby jez died..n itz all bcuz of me..

it waz meant to b..hiz lyf waz jez filled with misery..he lost hiz mother n waz all alone wen syud found him wanderin around her houz..syud brought him to skool..cuz she noez i luv kittiez..we named him baby G..everyone loved him..but only god noez how much i loved him..mor than anything..it waz jez so damn cute..n active..but az dayz went by, he cudnt fit in..im sure he needed hiz motherz milk..all i cud giv him iz dutch lady’z..i secretly brought him home..my parentz wud neva allow me to but i jez had to..that waz the happiest moment..althou he waz quite naughty..he played around me n neva went too far..n he even responded to my call..my parentz jez came back from sabah..n ma mom wanted to find somthin in ma room..baby waz sleepin in hiz box that tym..mum nearly saw him but i covered the box with a shirt..lucky she didnt notice..then that nyt ma parentz went to some dinner..so there waz jez me, baby n ma bro..i opened the radio so loud but babyz purrz were louder..my bro found out n scolded me..but i didnt care..i let baby walk on ma bed..it waz sittin down so quietly at a spot..then i realised..it waz wet..n i mean damn wet..damn it smelled..i quickly put him back in the box..pulled the cover off, the bedsheet, the pillow cases..everything..i told ma maid to wash it..n even so..jez by the sight of hiz cute face, i 4gave him..the nex mornin..i had to go to skool on a saturday cuz ma class had choir n citrawarna competition..i had to also b an emcee 4 the sajak comp..in the car, it made purring noises..n my dad obviously recognised that sound..he didnt get angry but warned me neva to bring it home or else he’ll tell mum..at skool..he waz very good..he waz still active that tyme but already showed signs of sickness..everyone noticed it..but i couldnt accept it so i jez ignored it..that tym..im lucky i brought a camera..cuz it waz the last tym i cud take pix of it..althou i dint noe wut wud happen.. it waz so irresistable..it neva stopped sleepin..fairuz put him to sleep first..then me..n then jayn.. it slept so soundly on jaynz armz..we took videoz of it..i cry everytime i see it now..i guez itz tru wut they say..dont take picturez of kittiez cuz they’ll die..i neva believed it b4..but i guez now i do..that day..fairuz volunteered to take it home..i really hav to thank her..i cudnt bring it home maself cuz im scared that if ma mom findz out she’ll tell me to throw that instance..i cud neva let that happen..baby waz a good boy at fairuzez..i call twice to check on him..fairuz said she cant do her hw bcuz of him..hehe..but her parentz also didnt allow baby to stay long..so on monday, fairuz brought it back to skool..that tyme..it waz gettin weaker but not that weak to make it obvious.. althou i did notice that it didnt want to eat nor drink..so, i jez had to force it to drink by using a syringe..it waz for hiz own good..he waz getting thinner..i think he misses hiz mom n needed her milk..but wut to do..the mother iz nowhere to b found..cik kia picked uz up late that afternoon..around four oclock..while i waited..i waz still thinking of where to put him..i didnt hav the heart to leave him alone..while i waz playin with him..well..he did somthin really bad..he kinda..shit on me..hehe..i remember that day lyk it waz yesterday..i quickly put him in the box n waz shocked lyk hell..ive neva faced a problem lyk that b4..i jez managed to scream..even atiqah who waz with me at the tyme ran out the class cuz she couldnt take the sight..wen i got to ma sensez..i rushed to the toilet..i ran into the zuhrah cubicle n jez sprayed the water to the whole of ma body..n the outcome iz..i still hav some shit on ma baju kurung..im now wet n worse..i stink lyk hell..urgh..if ma frenz cant take it to go near the cat..wut more me who actually got shit on.. that waz jez my fate..i kinda got into a lil histeria..i cudnt stop screaming cuz the smell..eiww.. my tudung also kena..without thinkin of anything else..i pulled it off n sat by the door while my friendz..raisya, atiqah, nandra, hanis, che ai n amira merely looked at me pityingly and also laughing lyk hell..at the tyme, i didnt think it waz a laughin matter..raisya finally got around to sayin that i shud clean up the mess baby did..cuz it waz..well..under anisz table..i cudnt jez leave it..if a minute of that thing around made a stinky smell wut more a whole day if i waz to leave it there..so, it waz tyme to clean it up..n i did my best..with the help of raisya..which now i knoe iz a very loyal friend..unlyk the other baboonz who ran away n came back to jez taunt n laugh at me..lucky i had an extra baju kurung that eunice returned to me that day..i changed into that..then, it waz the task of cleaning baby up..me n raisya put asside our disgusted emotionz n jez cleaned him up..but baby made quite a good job of sittin quietly in a corner afte that lookin all cute n innocent lyk it knew it had done somthin wrong..hell yea he did..but that cute face waz enuf to make me n raisya melt..i forgave him ryt that moment..i remember sayin to raisya that if baby waz a boy, he must b a very cute n seducing one..hehe..at around 4, cik kia came..i had to go home..i asked fatima to bring it back to the hostel cuz i surely cudnt bring it home..thk god she agreed..wen i reached home, the first thing i did waz rush to the shower n took the longest shower in history..afte that, raisya rang n we chatted bout the whole event..we kept on laughin lyk crazy cuz i kinda find it quite hilarious..the next day..fatima brought it back to class..she did say that it didnt want to eat or drink at all..now, i began to realise how skinny it looked..n also that he spent most of his tyme with sleepin..that morning..i got chazed all around skool lyk a mad person by anis who lyk everyone, noticed that under her table waz covered with newspaperz..all becuz of baby.. that morning, raisya managed to make a recap to everybody who would listen..i quickly ran to the class nex door 4 fear of being laughed at..but i cudnt avoid it..so wen i entered the class, i got the laughing that i expected from everyone..the witnesses of the event were bad enuf to taunt me.. haiz..but no matter wut i went throu, i neva had any hatred for my baby..jayn n joanne continuously told me that baby waz suffering..that i shud let him go..but wud that be better?? at least if i keep him, i provide shelter, milk, water n food..wut if i let him go..he wud b in a worst situation..god noez where he’ll go..the road waz near there..he myt get run down by a car or somthin..n where wud he find food..hez still small..n wut wud keep him from the coldness of the nyt..at least i keep him in a box n a blanket inside..

that afternoon..i made the worst mistake of my life..some of ma friendz told me to leave it in class..so..i went home..leaving him behind in hiz box..in class..i waz in a hurry..n now i noe how damn cruel i am..im such a stupid twit..thiz morning..baby waz in a real bad condition..he couldnt even make a sound..he jez lay there..lyk amal said, he waz a living corpse..damn..i left him in class cuz i had to go to bm class..during recess..i came back to gic him some water..but it waz obvious baby waz in pain..he lay there in a weird position..i felt sick to the stomach..i realised it waz my fault he’z lyk that..i shudnt hav left him at all..i picked him up..hiz legz were totally disfunctional..baby wud somtimez suddenly moan lyk he waz really hurt..i jez didnt noe wut to do n broke into tearz..amal reminded me that i had to be strong for baby..but i cudnt help it..i felt miserable..i cudnt bear to see him in thiz state..everyone had to go back to bm class..but i cud feel that i cudnt leave baby alone..adda, my best friend wanted to stay there with me n baby..we knew we wud get a scolding for missing bm class..but i didnt care..i jez had to stay with baby.. we all wanted to bring him to the vet the day before but i didnt have enuf money n im sure my parentz wudnt want to spend money on the animal they didnt care for..vetz are expensive..i had no money..wut waz i suppozed to do..jayn n joanne comforted me by saying that theyll share money to send him to a vet..that jaynz dad wud bring him..i felt lyk there waz slight chance but actually..deep inside me..i knew there waz no hope..cuz baby waz already minutez away from death..but the fact that it waz dying waz unacceptable to me..so me n adda waz sitting on the floor with baby on my lap..he waz clearly suffering..all i cud do waz cry for it..itz eyez wudnt even blink once..i think it waz already blind..he somtimez twisted n twirled az if it waz in agony..i cried harder thinking that life waz jez so damn unfair for thiz innocent kitten..i waz healthy n he waz in pain..i hated myself for that..if only i cud hav took hiz pain away..i waz lucky that adda waz there beside me..we jez stared at baby for mor than half an hour..somtimz baby wud stop breathing n i panicked..n then he’ll move a bit n i noe hez still alive..hiz mouth didnt close..hiz body waz rigid.. i waz slowly losing him..little did i noe that that tym..i wud see him take hiz last breath..i didnt expect it n i didnt want to expect it..but baby waz wide eyed..n he actually took hiz last breath az if it waz killing him..i waz shocked to death..i jez stared at it..the sight waz unbearable..he didnt die in peace at all..he died in agony, pain..misery..all becuz of me..all adda cud do waz hug me n say astarghfirullah..i waz speechless..i cudnt even believe that i saw it..i even asked adda whether it waz really dead..she didnt answer..i jez cried lyk crazy..all i kept saying waz sorry to baby..but it waz too late..he waz already dead..i waz cryin lyk mad n adda also broke into tearz while tryin to calm me down..even now, while im ritin thiz..im burstin into tearz.. aisyah stopped by n saw us cryin on the floor..with that..she took control..first, she comforted me n said that if i kept on crying 4 it..it wud neva rest in peace..that it wud neva reach heaven..but i jez cudnt stop myself..i cried lyk neva b4..taking my eyez off baby..i cudnt bare to see him..aisyah n abiah who came afte that quickly took baby away from my lap..they placed him in a box so that wen the otherz came back, theyll b able to see him for the last tyme..i cudnt think at that tyme..i didnt noe how but newz of it spread really fast in the bm class..many uzed the excuze of goin to the toilet to come back to class..fortunately teacher didnt realise how many hav gone together..all i remember waz i cried n i cried n everyone there tried to calm me down..finally hanis came..she told me to stop crying n told me to wash ma face n take air wuduk..afte comforting me for god noez how long, she pulled me up n adda assisted me to the toilet..in the mirror..i cud see..my eyez were red blood..i didnt say a thing..i went back to class..my friendz were careful to not bring me near babyz box where he lay there..dead..even some of the gurlz from other classes came to see wut waz goin on.. but i cudnt care less..i jez sat there crying..there waz nothing else i cud do..during bi period..hanis n raisya asked misz darinaz permission to bury baby..b4 that..we were sure that misz darina wud not understand our feelingz..hanis even warned me that i shudnt even shed a tear in bi class for fear of being scolded..but luckily enuf, misz darina permitted only the three of us..me, hanis n raisya to bury it..hanis n raisya kindly offered to dig a grave for baby..i jez sat next to the box lookin at baby..n touching him for the last tyme..afte that..we went back to bi class..i didnt pay attention at all..i didnt even feel happy afte gettin ma bi exam paper..the next period waz mathz.. i didnt hav the mood to study..i jez kept on mourning over babyz death..somhow i still cant believe it..cik nurul huda waz teachin a new chapter..transformation..i jez put my head on the table n cried to sleep..but cik nurul huda didnt even tell me to wake up..she juz carried on n let me sleep.. so i slept until 2 oclock which iz the end of skool..i woke up realising how sore my eyez were..some ppl came by my class to say their sorry to hear babyz death..im thankful to them..but im sure they didnt feel the loss that im feeling now..i felt empty..n so i went home..at home, i headed straight to the kitchen..i took an american brownie, an apple n a banana..i jez felt lyk eatin..so i ate till everythinz finished..n ryt now..im ritin thiz blog..jez to really take in wut had jez happened.. im startin to accept the fact that babyz gone..but i still feel guilty..i noe..itz all my fault..i shudnt hav left baby..in fact..i shud hav jez let it go..i hope baby forgivez me..for being so cruel n mean.. i really didnt mean to..honeslty..i cudnt bring him home if i wanted to..n i did want to..but i cudnt.. im so damn stupid..i shud hav taken the risk..now..thiz very instant..im still cryin..my eyez are sore..but my heart sufferz the most..how wud u feel..if the kitten u’ve loved n cared for so much..actually..DIED on ur lap..n all bcuz of u..therez nothin i cud do..except remember..this day..the worst day of my life..

the only thing i want baby to noe iz that im sorry..i didnt mean to leave him..i miss baby..